Naruto rag and bone shop
by SomeGuyOrOther
Summary: A number of Naruto alternate universe and what if drabbles, ideas, fragments, and other self-indulgences. Will be added to every now and then.
1. Chapter 1

A bunch of Naruto-related WI and AU drabbles and ideas inspired by a list of "What Ifs" posted by, I think, Inuzuka Tsume.

For my first, we assume that Sakura in fact is the daughter of the infamous Orochimaru.

(A fair number of these will be Sakura-related. I admit she improves over time, and is semi-badass in the post-time skip, but she's annoying and ineffectual enough for so much of the early series that I find myself compelled to mess with her).

This probably requires Orochimaru's hurried departure from Konoha taking place not that long before the Kyuubi attack (say, 9 months + however much older Sakura is than Naruto) and leaving behind a pregnant Haruno (which I think is workable with the known chronology): he'd have to take said Haruno with him if he left earlier.

Most likely, even if he knows of her existence, he is not particularly interested: he has bigger fish to fry than raising small children. (Mental image of an annoyed Sound Nin giving a 6-year old Sakura a pony ride: but I really have trouble seeing Orochimaru as a family man. After all, if you plan to be immortal, what need for heirs?)

So, quite possibly nobody knows _who_ Sakura's father is, and after the killing and horrible experimentation and kitten eating and such her mother remains mum, and sighs in relief when Sakura is born with little resemblance to her father.

One could take this in several ways – say, with canon Sakura discovering the identity of her father at some point, perhaps during the encounter in the forest of death:

"That hair is quite…distinctive. Ku ku ku…tell me child, was your mother's name…"

"When you come to me, Sasuke, bring the girl along with you if you can. She may not be worth much, but I have a certain…_proprietary interest_ in her."

Of course, Sakura being Sakura, she _will_ come along, and unless one of Team Shikamaru manages to grab her and tie her to a tree, she ends up at the Valley Of The End trying to get Sasuke and Naruto to stop fighting, which could go badly.

Sasuke grimaced.

"Eeew - I think I got her brains all over my shirt."

A distressed expression momentarily crossed his face before being suppressed.

Naruto, in anime cliché terms, was a stone statue. Occasionally bits flaked off.

"She always _did_ get in the way, didn't she, _dobe_?"

Sasuke dropped his sneer as the landscape turned blood-red. One, two, three, then four tails of poisonous chakra arose into the sky.

_Hn. I really should have gone with "momentarily stunned back to reality, but unable to change my path" rather than "heartless SOB",_ Sasuke thought.

Or perhaps seeing Sasuke in full Dick Mode, she gets over him faster.

Sakura, clinging with chakra to the Cliffside, fifty feet below the boys, listening to Sasuke rant.

_Sweet Buddha, I have finally heard something dumber than Naruto's "Ode to Ramen." It must be someone impersonating Sasuke - yep, sure, it's all been a misdirection, Sasuke must be - please, oh Kami, please - must be somewhere else than _HERE

Or we could have a more Orochi-esque Sakura: either a more mad-scientist type Sakura (with Naruto as her dopey henchman [1]):

"Gee, Sakura, should we be doing this?"

"Naruto, you want to be Hokage someday, right?

"Hell, yes!"

"Then you'll probably have to get involved in even nastier stuff to get there. Now be a good guy and keeping pouring the acid into the pit until all movement stops, and I'll buy you ramen afterwards."

Such a Sakura might pursue a more pro-active policy towards obtaining Sasuke:

Sasuke shifted his head inside the cage of wires while he tested the strength of the shackles and belts holding him to the table. He frowned. This was going to really mess up his hair.

"Sakura, stop this and let me go. You're being ridiculous."

Sakura grinned and lowered her goggles over her eyes.

"You'll think differently in a minute, Sasuke-chan! Naruto! THROW THE SWITCH!"

"Yeth', Mithtress!"

"Naruto, what have I told you about eating Ramen while we're…NO! NARUTO, NOT _THAT_ SWITCH…!!!"

But then she might at times save the day…

_Where the hell are they_, Orochimaru asked himself. He scratched – the skin was beginning to chafe…

"You crossed the forest of death…in a _flying machine?_"

"It's amazing what you can fit in one of those big sealing scrolls, isn't it? Anyway, once we got a scroll, there's nothing in the rules against it, Iruka-san."

Sakura stalked through the streets, almost oblivious to the ongoing fighting, accompanied by the world's only existing two pig-iron-and-razor-wire clones. She ground her teeth and clenched her fists. "Damn it, daddy…horning in on _my _city…"

She stopped near the Hokage Tower, gazing up at the epic battle now unfolding within a blue cube of chakra. There was a flurry of leaves, and a masked AMBU appeared in front of her.

"You have to get to safety, miss..."

Sakura sighed. "Always with the over-elaborate plans. One wonders if dad ever bothered to read the "Evil Overlords' Handbook."

"Dad?"

"I mean, this is a scenario where a simple application of overwhelming force should rapidly change the situation."

"Hold on a minute…"

Sakura made some hand gestures, and immediately long paper ribbons began to shoot out of the sleeves of her long, white, high-buttoned coat [2] and wrap around the Hokage Tower. Long paper ribbons covered with sealing symbols.

"Stop that, you crazy.."

THUNK went the pig-iron clones fist.

"You know," Sakura mused, "if, after I blow the tower to bits, that chakra cube remains suspended in air, I'm going to feel _really_ silly."

[1] They're pinky and the gaki,

yes, pinky and the gaki,

one's a genius and the other's wacky…

"Gee, Sakura, what do you want to do tonight?"

"The same thing we do every night, Naruto – try to take over Konoha!"

[2] Which she usually wears with goggles, knee-length boots, and black, shiny gloves.

Or a Sakura that takes after her father physically, either in inherent physical abilities -

During an early D-ranked mission, trying to get a cat out of a tree:

"Wow! How are you doing that, Sakura?"

(Sakura suddenly realizes that in reaching for a cat perched on a thin branch of the tree she's in, her arm has just stretched to five feet. Background flash of Inner Sakura with head exploding: Sakura faints and falls out of the tree).

Kakashi (inner dialog, after catching Sakura): 'I know of only two clans with that sort of ability. Sweet Buddha, I hope it's the other one.'

Anko slapped her head and groaned.

"That's the _third_ time today you've managed to tie yourself in a knot, Sakura! Are you actually interested in learning how to use your bloodline in a fight, or is this just a plot to keep me away from my sweet, sweet dango?"

"Shhtupid bloodlinn…" muttered Sakura.

"Heh. Seems she has you wrapped up pretty good, Zaku!" sneered Dosu.

"Bitch broke my nothe.." grumbled Kin.

"Will you asstards stop joking around and get her off me? I'm having trouble breathing here, and the fact she's trying to chew through my arm isn't helping!!"

"_Come on_, Choji, it's three-to-two now!"

"Well, you beat me, Sakura. Guess I'll have to drop that "forehead girl" crack now..."

"Thank you, Ino. I was hoping that we could…"

"Now that I think of it, "octopus girl" is better. Or perhaps "worm girl." Or maybe

"Gumby…""

"Die, Ino-pig!"

-or in certain externals.

"Hi there, snake-eyes!"

"Shut it, Ino-pig!"

"Damn it, Naruto, stop bugging me and _go away_!"

"But you're the only one for me, Ino-chaaan…"

"Iruka-Sensei?"

"Yes, my _best student_?"

(Sweatdrop)

"Um, Iruka-Sensei…why are there always ANBU following me around?"

"Oh, nothing to worry about Sakura, nothing at all, ha ha ha!"

(Sakura "Death to you, Naruto" glare, with extra vertical pupil emphasis)

"Oh God no don't kill me – err – heh, heh! It's just some crazy rumor about you being the daughter of an evil genius madman, and it's a purely precautionary measure. Oh, and the people who lost family and friends to his fiendish experiments might try to kill you for being his daughter, if they put any credence in that whole crazy rumor, which nobody believes in anyway! So, nothing to worry about!"

"You're sweating, Sensei."

"Ah, yes – we really need to get that air conditioner fixed!"

"Does Naruto also have an evil genius parent?'

POOF

"Ok, 'body flicker' away then, see if I care…damn, I'm depressed."

"Naruto, do you think Sasuke might find me cute wearing these sunglasses?"

"Hmm- you do look cuter now: not as cute as Ino, of course, and a bit less cute than Hinata: but better than before, definitely. Say, about like that purple-haired girl in row three."

THUMP

"Ow! What was that for!"

"While the boys are practicing their chakra exercises, we'll start on some more sophisticated techniques. Some more advanced genjutsu tricks, and some basic medical field jutsus."

"Thank you, Kakashi sensei!"

"Of course, if you use anything I teach you for evil purposes, I'll kill you myself."

"Urk."

"Hello, Haruno-san. My name is Morino Ibiki. We just need to ask you a few questions about what passed between you and Orochimaru in the Forest of Death. Now, you just sit in the Comfy Chair over there – this will probably take until lunchtime."


	2. Crossover, flavor silly

I do not own Naruto or any characters created by the geniuses of Termite Terrace and its Warner Brothers predecessors.

Another absurdist drabble…

Twelve years ago, several Ninjas from the Village Hidden in the Leaves carried out a training exercise involving an Earth-type jutsu. In the process, the burrow of a timid woodland creature was destroyed. The woodland creature dug its way to the surface, with much muffled grumbling and incomprehensible imprecations, and demanded restitution.

The ninja team did laugh, and offered several consoling maxims that could best be translated into plain speech as "tough titty!"

And the timid woodland creature did wax wroth.

And the ninja did laugh some more as they departed, but not for long.

The days that followed were generally skipped over in most histories of the village. Who wanted to remember the re-carving of the Hokage monument? The filling of the Hokage Tower with circus peanuts? The replacement of an elderly former Hokage's immense porn collection with an assortment of books on "coping with senility", "dealing with incontinence", and others of that sort?

The mightiest Ninja of the village fought to capture the beast, but in vain. The great masters of genjutsu found their own illusions turned against them. The stealthiest assassins found their pants filled with lit explosive notes. And the mightiest of fighters suffered from grand pianos (an item hitherto unknown in the Land of Fire) dropping on their heads in mid-pose.

The beast seemed to have a way to twist the very minds of the villagers, so their brains became as pudding. The Inuzuka never could explain _why_ he had chased after the ball. And the Uchiha who was fooled by an absurdly transparent bit of cross-dressing was so embarrassed that he left the village to join a monastery, where he lived free from pseudo-female distractions (well, except perhaps for that very bishomen novice) until another member of his clan showed up to put the last checkmark on a list.

At last, the Hokage, a man of exceptional genius, found a way to defeat the beast, sealing it away inside his newborn son at the cost of his own life…

NARUTO UZUMAKI

Starring in a probably never-to-be-written saga

**WHAT'S UP, NINJA?**

Or

**WHAT AN OROCHIMAROON!**

The orange-clad boy scowled as he stood on a chair by the partially opened door.

"Darn! It just won't balance!"

The pink-haired girl scowled ferociously.

"Naruto, you Baka! Are you trying to kill our teacher?"

"Of course not, Sakura-chan! That wouldn't be funny!"

"And _where the hell did you get that anvil?!_"

….

"Naruto, what is it with you and disguising yourself as sexy women?"

….

Haku stared in puzzlement. The second boy had been momentarily been contorted with rage and grief as his friend collapsed. Now we seemed…calmer.

"Have you accepted your fate, Naruto-kun?" whispered Haku from within the mirror.

Ignoring him, Naruto pulled a carrot from a pocked and nibbled on it with previously unnoticed buck teeth.

"Of course, you _know_ this means war."

….

Sakura groaned and threw open the window. Another absurd effort by Naruto to woo her again, no doubt. And at three in the morning.

An eight-foot toad, wearing a top hat and a cane, danced. A chorus line of "Narukos" provided backup.

"Hello! Ma baby, hello ma honey, hello my ragtime gal…"

….

"What's up, Doc?"

"That's _Fifth Hokage_ Doc to you, brat" growled Tsunade.

….

Naruto stood outside the cage. Inside, the strange beast leaned nonchalantly against the bars. Behind him was a small cave-like room furnished in 1940s lower middle class décor, including an old-fashioned TV and a sampler with "God bless this hole" and a couple carrots stitched on.

"Just pull the seal-doohickey off so I can get outta here, kid, and together we'll poilverize those Acky-Sucky palookas!"

"Well, I dunno. Ero-Sannin said…"

"C'mon, kiddo! After all we've been through, you still don't trust me?" (Big, sad rabbit-eyes).

"Ok! I'll do it, dattebayo!"

ZZZZAAP!!!!

"Yeeech. Looked like that musta smarted."

"Gaaaa…"

"Some kinda boobytrap, and it caught a boob. This is startin' to remind me of a time I couldn't pay my hotel bill…but don't worry, kid, with my smarts and your massive tolerance for punishment, we'll get me out yet!"

"You're…you're...de…de…"

"I think the word you're looking for is 'dethh-picable'."


	3. Not quite legendary

I own neither the Naruto characters nor Marvel's Deadpool, have no plans to make money off this, and probably am working out some kind of childhood problem

* * *

Another Silly WI: what if the third of the Sanin was Deadpool rather than Orochimaru?

They're not called the "The Legendary Three Ninja", for one thing. Whatever people may call the third member of their team (and there are a lot of names, many of them quite long and anatomically involved), "legendary" usually doesn't come up.

The team still broke up, although not due to one of its members going missing–nin (as much as some inhabitants of Konoha wish he did.) The Third still develops a Commissioner Dreyfus–like twitch when his former student's name comes up in conversation, and Tsunade still hasn't forgiven him for the singing telegram he sent to try and cheer her up after Dan's death (although she will no longer try to kill him on sight. Probably). The more easy-going Jiraya came out of the experience less scarred, but in this world he is famous for his stealth techniques (developed principally to avoid detection by his annoying and _loud_ teammate while carrying out…"research").

His bloodline limit makes him extremely hard to kill, but excessive use of his regenerative ability tends to lead to physical disfigurement: since a Close Encounter with the Kyuubi's chakra during the attack on the village, he is never seen without his rather unique full-body red and black costume, although he often will use Genjutsu or Henge to disguise himself. It also makes it almost impossible to keep him under a genjutsu for any length of time: on the down side, it also tends to lead to insanity. (It is not just bad luck that he's the last of his clan.)

"Not bad, kid! Try this – UNSEXY NO JUTSU!"

(Screams of unspeakable horror)

"Huh! One would think they'd never seen a ninety year old Akimichi in a micro-kini before. Well, who's up for waffles?"

So far, in spite of various pleas on the part of members of the Konoha community, the Third has yet to imprison him or, as in the case of various ancestors who took the loony express all the way to the end of the line, had him quietly disposed of. He has, after all, so far expressed his occasional homicidal tendencies only towards enemies of Konoha, [1] and as one of the village's most powerful ninja, it would be unfair to get rid of him just because he's more annoying than a dozen Narutos on speed.

* * *

Lacking the creative genius of a Tsunade or Jiraiya, the Noisy Ninja did not develop a range of special techniques comparable to his teammates. Not that he hasn't come up with some techniques of his own, including a knockoff of the Fourth's teleportation technique: it's an inferior version requiring rather more setup time, but, teleportation. And there are some techniques he's developed people prefer not to speculate on, such as _where_ he hides the weapons he occasionally pulls seemingly out of nowhere without the benefit of storage scrolls.

For the most part, he has made do with a malevolently insane creative genius when it comes to utilizing and combining the standard tools and techniques of a ninja: imagine a Sharingan-less Kakashi with another quarter century of experience, able to keep up with Maito Gai in hand-to-hand as long as he doesn't pull out the "gates." His "there's no such thing as too many explosive notes" attitude does make him a rather unpopular partner on missions. He was quite miffed when Deidara refused to explain how he made his explosive clay, even after he promised to be "his bestest friend" if told.

* * *

"All right, team! For today's lesson, we will be doing 'Your Friend the Explosive Note, part III!'"

(Three simultaneous groans)

"Keep it down, whippersnappers! Back in my day, it wasn't a proper training session if it ended with the same number of fingers and toes as it started!"

"Now…" (pulling from…somewhere an explosive tag about the size of a queen-size bed cover) "…this is the _economy_ sized explosive tag, a product of Me, Myself and I, incorporated! Isn't she _lovely_?"

(Three heavily bandaged Genin sweat-drop simultaneously).

* * *

With no Sound village, there was no Sound/Sand invasion during the Chunin exams.

Instead, there was a Sand/Stone invasion next year. (The Kage of Sand was kind of a dick).

With no Orochimaru, the project to create a Biju-powered doomsday machine was somewhat delayed, although a suitably skilled replacement was eventually found in a Kunoichi from Waterfall, the world's only known practitioner of Mad Science No Jutsu. (Her village was actually kinda glad to see Kakuzu Madaraki's great-granddaughter Fran gone far, far away.)

* * *

So far only he's had only one student which stuck with him all the way through his training, and Anko is both more dangerous and crazier than in canon (very nearly as crazy, in fact, as fanfic Anko). Therefore, when the Hokage decided to assign him a team, a lot of people began whispering things like "advancing senility", "old man driven to drink", and so on.

"GOOD MORNIING, my little stooges!"

"_Eek!_"

"Dammit, Asshole-Sensei! Stop jumping out on us like that!"

"Hn."

"Good news, everybody! Today we begin serious training. Be warned, however – my training methods are rigorous! There will be much screaming and crying and puking and NOT THE FACE! NOT THE FACE!"

"…but at the end we'll be strong ninja, right, Asshole-Sensei?"

"………………………………..huh? Oh yeah, sure, whatever."

On the other hand, here was a teacher that really didn't care at all about the Dread Secret carried by one of his students. A teacher that would not show favoritism to the other boy, or coddle the girl. Definitely _not_ a lazy teacher like Asuma or Kakashi: and far less one-dimensional in his skill set than Gai. Indeed, his students were pretty much guaranteed to become strong ninja…

…if, of course, they didn't go mad, suffer crippling injuries, or decide they'd rather take up some occupation less hazardous than being taught by Konoha's Number One Barking Mad Ninja, say hunting grizzly bears armed with a butterfly net and a Nerf bat. But then Naruto has his Kyuubi-derived regenerative abilities and boundless determination, Sasuke the opportunity to be taught by the guy who had regularly given Itachi wedgies in the ANBU locker room, and Sakura… well, Sakura…well, a fairly major philosopher has claimed what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

"Excellent, Pinky! Looks like you've got control down pat – we just need to work on your stamina! Now, before you climb the tree again, let's just tie this li'l ol' anvil onto your back…"

* * *

Personal power not being his thing, the notion of creating his own ninja village has never crossed his mind [2], and so Sound Village never existed. The Sound Four/Five/whatever made their own way in the world, mostly coming to bad ends sooner rather than later.

Kimimaro died, of course.

Sakon and Ukon, after leaving a village where they faced persecution (the whole "scary freak" thing) did rather well as bandit chief/chiefs, until they were poisoned by a disgruntled subordinate tired of being bossed around by a scary freak.

Coincidentally, Jirobo still ended up being killed by Choji, during the early skirmishes leading up to the Fourth Great Ninja War. (Being without the benefit of a Cursed Seal and facing a Choji which had fully mastered his clan's techniques, it was however a much shorter fight).

Kidomaru joined the circus.

Tayuya was the luckiest of the bunch, the foul-mouthed genjutsu expert having picked the right side in the war, signing up with the Leaf and its allies. She would survive the war, go on to marry an Inuzuka even more foul-mouthed than herself, and raise several obnoxious, foul-mouthed children.

* * *

"SHANARRO!!!"

"_Heeelp_!"

"You know, I was a bit worried about that girl for a while. But I think she's going to be aaall-right."

A dazed Naruto and Sasuke turned from their teacher's big "thumbs up" to the floor below, where a maniacally giggling Sakura was chasing Ino round and round the arena with a chainsaw.

"She's snapped, hasn't she" Naruto remarked in a monotone.

"Yes" replied Sasuke in a disinterested tone. He then extended his hand.

"Bastard" muttered Naruto, pulling out his wallet.

* * *

Itachi groaned, and staggered back a couple steps. Kisame stared in disbelief – had the weirdo in red somehow managed to break Tsukuyomi? No, he had collapsed, just like any other victim…

….and sat up again, unlike any other victim. Not good.

The weirdo then said "Knock, knock."

"No" groaned Itachi. "No more…"

"Who's there?"

"For a whole week…while I was skinning him alive...he's not human."

"Banana."

"And when I cut his tongue out…these…_balloons_ with the words in them started appearing…"

"Banana who?"

"Let's get the hell out of here, Kisame…"

"Banana!"

* * *

Hidan had never really thought much about the fact his spell worked both ways.

"Not bad, 'Captain Voodoo' – and by the way, do you realize that blackface is nowadays considered politically incorrect? But look at what I can do with pliers, extra-hot chili powder and a melon baller!"

Now, for the first time in a long time, Hidan was beginning to feel – what was the word again? _Worried_.

[1] Although he occasionally _does_ give Dutch rubs to random civilians when they are unable to remember the lead players of his favorite Snow Country accordion band.

[2] Well, the thought _has_ occasionally crossed his mind, but never for more than five minutes. Last time, it involved clowns.


End file.
